Legless

Well quite honestly there are some days that are just not worth getting up for! And today was one of them. I have had persistent small sores at the top of my residual limb for a while now. They obviously get worse the more I wear my prosthesis so it's a vicious circle. The tissue viability nurse stocked me up a while back with an impressive array of dressings. It's a bit of trial and error as some don't stick enough so are dislodged with practically the first step, whilst others are so adhesive frustratingly they lift the 'good skin' off around the original lesions = worse situation :( this week I totalled 4 dressings at once but have had to give in to the 'legless' status by yesterday as it's just too uncomfortable to put my weight on the leg. The pain from one if them is disproportionate to the size of it and I suspect I will eventually have to succumb to seeing someone about it.

I can usually live quite happily being an amputee but if I'm honest sometimes I HATE it. I hate going out without my leg on and trying not to look at the people staring at me. I hate the pain in my elbow being on the crutches and in my other knee from whizzing about at home in my wheelchair. I hate not being able to pick my son up when he puts his arms up to me when he doesn't understand. Although he seems to be starting to grasp it (he'll be 2 in May) as today he was looking all round my wheelchair and said 'shoe gone' and signed 'gone'! I hate the fact that my daughter said 'yeah we can't do the things other families can do'. I never want them to feel I hold them back. I hate that when I went to their school today and my son's class ran past they stopped in their tracks open mouthed and one little girl said 'eeeewwwww'. Yes they're children, but it still hurts....... I hate the unpredictability of the situation, that one day I can go in the gym and the leg's ok and the next I can be so restricted because I can't wear it. I hate to catch sight of myself in a mirror or shop window when I'm not wearing it. It doesn't do much for the body image! I hate that it makes me a nervous person and takes my confidence away.

So maybe I don't help myself by being on the go a lot and wearing the prosthesis long hours but hey there's so much to do! And I'm really not one to sit around. So that's it, rant over. I have had my moment wallowing in self pity. Of 'why me?' Of 'it's not fair!' It will pass but I am under no illusion that this is the last time I will have to leave my leg off or that i will feel this way.

I used to feel guilty that I wasn't 'over it' or hadn't 'come to terms with it' but now I try not to feel that guilt because I honestly think at times, for example every spring bank holiday when I can't jump in the waves at Whistling Sands with the children. That I will grieve all over again and shed a little tear. And hey, that's ok.

I don't mind the legless jokes ie the alcohol fuelled ones, or someone saying 'he didn't have a leg to stand on' anyone who knows me knows I would take these in context and laugh along where appropriate. I don't want people treading on egg shells around me but it is nice if people realise the reality is it's bloody hard sometimes.

If it hadn't been for meeting Adam to kill another mile in the pool tonight I would definately have pulled the duvet over my head and written today off!