Tuesday wasn’t great if i’m honest, which I do try to be on here (despite always apologising for neglecting to do so for months on end!)
Yes, I had a rare day not working; so got my winter tyres put on, walked the dog, did my first mainstream pilates class since my last operation, which was over 10 weeks ago, took Joe & a friend to McDonald’s and led our Beavers in Signing & Singing Christmas songs at Rawdon Lights Switch On. Having the opportunity to meet up with a lot of friends and got in the festive spirit 🎅🏻🎄All very positive....
But the reality is I cried whilst I was walking the dog and sat on several walls. I desperately tried to ‘enjoy’ it. Despite the drizzly weather it was lovely to be out breathing the fresh air, enjoying the outdoors; the sound and sight of a beck rushing by and stumbling across these creatures!
I LOVE Christmas and the preparations and festivities but I could barely walk when I got back to the car.
Despite how hard I tried I just felt increasingly frustrated by my restrictions. Problems with my prosthetic which, to be honest, I’ve pretty much ignored. I didn’t have the head space to deal with them whilst taking 10 weeks to heal from more surgery.
It’s a vicious circle; I couldn’t swim in all that time...which is what gives me the capacity to ‘keep on keeping on’ despite all the crap. Since the chemo kindly helped my thyroid pack up (it may have done anyway given I have another autoimmune disease) I’m battling with my weight, as well as shedding the remainder gained whilst on treatment.
My other leg and foot are back to complaining vehemently with the overuse. This just makes me cross, I just want to ‘do’ but it’s making it worse. Fire fighting it with weekly physio and trying to get back to a level of exercise that will get certain muscles stronger but that hurts too grrrrrrrr and sometimes this is true...
I just don’t know how you learn to live with your restrictions? I know many have them, for a huge number of different reasons and a lot of people are worse off. People say you seem really well adjusted and accepting. No I don’t accept it, not at all. It’s unacceptable as it was completely and utterly unnecessary. I lost my leg 22 years ago and have done many many things in that time, it hasn’t stopped me but sometimes I actually HATE being like this. With a physical impairment that means because of the way our world & society and everything in it are organised I AM disabled by that.
When I wear clothes (which I usually do of course! Don’t worry I’m not going to take up Skinny Dipping whilst Wild Swimming...I wouldn’t subject anyone to that!) you can’t see the patchwork quilt of scars, I live with that, I have no choice, I can hide it. I’m grateful, oh so very thankful to be still here despite the butchering.
Will I ever learn to live with this?
