Me!

Me!
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I am 45 years old, Married to Sean for nearly 20 years and have 3 lovely children Hope is 16, Jack is 12 and Joe is 6.

Wednesday 24 July 2019

Reality


I have just walked out of my physio appointment, with one of the loveliest women I know. I honestly don’t know how I’d continue to function on a day to day basis without her and the other lifesavers the  practice have. I have been counting down the hours since late last week until I could come and know she’d relieve things. 

I’ve decided to just bite the bullet and write a post. As usual I’ve meaning to....well....forever (same old same old!) to update on all the positive things (and boy there are so many!) that have been happening but hey I haven’t. I have just reminded myself that one of the reasons I started this blog (aside from helping others which is at the heart of everything I do) is for ME. I find it cathartic, to offload all the thoughts I have swirling around in my head. 

On that note I asked for a referral at Late Effects Clinic to Psychology in November. Still waiting....as with most services they are completely overloaded. I have no doubt I am experiencing PTSD in some form but thankfully I’m still able to recognise that and want to address it. Really who wouldn’t be given what I’ve faced over the last 28 years. 

I was just thinking about the ‘Facebook Lie’. It is and it isn’t. I tend to post about all the fun, positive things we’re doing and we’re LUCKY to do or is it that we make the most of opportunities? Probably? I decided this summer we’d use the unexpected small pay out from the Motor Insurers Bureau (I only wanted to keep my no claims!) from an uninsured drug dealer smashing the front off my car in January 2018 to do as many fab things as we can. I have yet again stared immortality square in the face and not being morbid, just realistic, none of us know how long we’ve got on this mortal coil eh?

That money could be swallowed up into our families expenses in an instant but we were presented with opportunities to visit friends abroad, meet family in Europe and London and host them all Chez Gilbert and boy are we going to enjoy it and make the most of it. Hey and the ‘advantage’ of a zero hours contract cannot be sniffed at!  Having the summer to hardly stress about childcare?! #alwaysfindthepositive

Today my cheerful and positive outlook is a little weary and dented. I’m not looking for sympathy just understanding and awareness. Offloading here (and not to a husband who understandably is also weary of the continued challenges we face) is therapeutic for me. Also maybe this will help people see I’m really not Wonderwoman personified, I have many of the same daily challenges as us all. Puking pets, household appliances breaking down, wondering and worrying about work. The reality is living with long term side effects of disability and cancer treatment (that which was required and that which wasn’t) can be draining. 

Reflecting on it, no week and still often a day doesn’t go by without one appointment or other for me or one the children. Ordering medications and sorting out everyones health challenges. On the whole it’s nothing major but it takes carefully organised logistics. Last week in Bulgaria I spent over an hour on the phone to Leeds Teaching Hospitals sorting various things out. In the end the lovely lady said she felt so bad and it must be so overwhelming that even though one of the issues needed to be dealt with by another department she was going to walk down there herself and sort it. Mostly I accept all this is ‘just life’ but on occasion I honestly feel like ‘I can’t be arsed’. 

This is breakfast everyday.....I won’t go into detail of every one but safe to say each is something that combats a depletion or damage from one treatment or another. I do lots of self help things and resent taking all this but then the guilt thing kicks in....what's a few tablets when I'm still alive? I can't take many natural remedies that I have previously found have helped as I'm 18 months into a clinical trial to try and prevent cancer recurrence, so really limited what I can take.

My body struggles due to the imbalances and overuse caused by the problems with the leg, hence constantly fire fighting with physio and exercises the hip, knee, ankle, elbow, shoulder and back problems on the left side in particular. Again not all are serious or difficult to 'fix' (some are) but it's WEARING. It stops me swimming and doing pilates, which conversely keep me sane and hopefully contribute to keeping the cancer at bay.

I absolutely HATE the rhetoric used to refer to cancer....the battling and fighting and ‘staying strong’ but hey I admit sometimes it really does feel like an uphill struggle. I want to put my energies into my family and friends, fundraising and helping those affected in similar ways but sometimes the energy ebbs away. 

I certainly won’t go into the gory details here but tomorrow it’s off to another emergency gynaecology appointment. Safe to say the after effects of going through 2 chemically induced 
menopause and dealing with now being peri menopausal again are physically and mentally challenging!! Carrying a small towel or flannel everywhere is necessary once again. I really do feel a sense of unfairness facing going through the whole shebang a third time. But what can you do? Have a moan...oh yes I do that sometimes too.....then just get on with it. People say ‘I don’t know how you do it’ or ‘I couldn’t do it’ but you could, you would, you literally have no choice. 

Sick to death of all the scaremongering - flying too much, drinking orange juice, being overweight blah blah gives you cancer. And some get it when they don’t drink or smoke and are slim and exercise loads. Snorting puréed kale standing on your head may ‘cure’ you but if anyone else mentions cannabis oil to me I might just scream. Do people not think if there was a mass treatment that was easy to get hold of and would ‘cure’ or save most people we’d know about it? They’d be using it? They WOULD NOT be giving some of the same chemo drugs they did 28 years ago if it was that simple. I’ll not go off on a rant nor am
I opening a big debate about it. Other than saying a young Mum diagnosed at the same time with the same breast cancer as me died recently as she was so convinced alternative treatments could save her. Unless you personally, not your Nan or Uncle or breast friend, have been there or stared these decisions in the face you simply can’t say what you’d do.

Survivor guilt is a tricky one too. Ive lost too many similar aged friends in the last few months to this harrowing disease. Shouldn’t I be making the most of every minute and ALWAYS being thankful? Well, you can’t, things get me down like they do everyone else. 

Anyway, after this offload and appreciating this cuppa I can face the rest of the day :)






Friday 8 March 2019

International Women’s Day

Today is International Womens’ Day 2019. 

Whilst I believe we should celebrate our achievements every day, today especially is one for reflection. We make up almost half of the world’s population. England netballers shocked the hosts Australia in last year’s Commonwealth Games by beating them in the final and walking away with the title. We have only the 2nd British woman Prime Minister in history in office and Queen Elizabeth II is still on the throne aged 92 after a 67 year reign. The England Lionesses ⚽️ were triumphant in raising the #SheBelieves Cup and head into this summer’s FIFA World Cup as favourites. Watch this 💗💪🏻  https://youtu.be/whpJ19RJ4JY

Inequalities still exist for us in many respects but conversely we have made huge strides in various areas. I had the privilege to attend a Conference at work this morning where we were updated on research in various realms of women’s sport and coaching. One thing that struck me most is that equality is not literally a case of ‘women should have everything the same as men’. Actually women need an equal yet uniquely tailored approach to meet their needs and help them achieve their maximum potential.

We were told to think of one thing we are doing to make a difference or ‘rock the boat’ as opposed to being someone who merely ‘falls out of the boat’ #noimpact. I could name a few in my time! One thing I’m currently proud of is using my own education and expertise in physical activity and sport; to work with numerous people and agencies to influence education, policy and practice. For those men and women who have or have had cancer. Luckily if I do fall out of the boat I can swim well enough now not to need one! #boatrocker #ChannelSwimmer.

This post is dedicated to one woman who has inspired and influenced me greatly. Tragically, I delivered part of her eulogy earlier this week. It was heartbreaking, yet I felt immensely proud to know her. Although we KNOW her legacy, as an extraordinary physician will continue and undoubtedly save many more lives. Most importantly her influence on her children, family and friends will always live on, especially through beautiful rainbows, just as it did as we left the service 🌈 https://www.buzzfeed.com/patrickstrudwick/a-pioneering-doctor-who-helped-revolutionise-hiv-prevention
#bemoreMags #neverforgotten #IWD #internationalwomensday #girlpower #balanceforbetter #leedsbeckettuniversity #carnegieschoolofsport

Photo by Claire Sparrow 💗

Tuesday 26 February 2019

Yorkshire Choice Awards

Ha, that old adage....’It’s been a while...’

I feel very honoured to have even been nominated for awards in a couple of categories (thank you, you know who you are!)


I also feel a bit weird ‘asking for people to vote’ for me! I ALSO know a lot of people will be cross with me for not sharing this information and a link for people to be able to vote if they wish to.

For me it’s about making the most of the opportunities we are presented with. We don’t always recognise these at the time and some inevitably come out of adversity. That doesn’t mean I believe in any of the crap about ‘everything happens for a reason’ but I know for a fact I wouldn’t have had many of the opportunities I’ve had or met the people I’ve met had it not been for some very dark times. Nor does that mean that sometimes I don’t wish I had not been diagnosed with and treated for cancer...twice. No sane person would welcome this. I guess though it’s led me down more unconventional paths, which of course...frequently lead to different choices.

I think the main thing though is that it’s taught me to seize these opportunities whenever possible as we really don’t know what will happen, even in the near future. It’s taught me to be more thoughtful and think how the effects of some of life’s biggest challenges affect the lives of those on the receiving end and those around them. If I’m ever able to use my own experiences and the things I’ve learnt to ease things for others I will....every time.

The ones that spring to mind straight away are: going to Namibia with Raleigh International, setting up Tiny Signers 12 years ago, Swimming The pool equivalent Channel Swim then an actual Relay to raise money for Aspire.


So if you would like to vote please follow this link https://www.yorkshirechoiceawards.co.uk/votehere

You can vote in either or both categories:

The Kate Granger for Outstanding Contribution
Inspirational Individual

Thank you for your support as always!