Thursday, 5 June 2014
Battling with myself....
You may say I'm pretty content with my lot, used to the way things are for me physically and I manage. I get on with it. I won't pretend things aren't hard because sometimes they are. Whether it's wincing putting my foot to the floor as it's so sore and I need the 'big guns' in terms of dressings, barrier cream etc or I lose one of my hearing aids and not only am I without it but have to claim two and a half grand on the insurance to replace it (you may ask why I have to pay privately? Well it's because the NHS who caused my deafness through their misdiagnosis and unnecessary treatment won't pay for them for me!) or having such excruciating phantom pain whilst driving I think I will crash, so pull over. But I am used to it and it's doesn't eat away at me. Once these things have passed I forget about them until the next time.
But will I EVER get used to the comments?
People always manage to catch me off guard and often I am left stood there not having a clue what to say, with my jaw hanging open. Then afterwards I spend ages analysing what I COULD or should have said, and kicking myself for not doing so. Why can't I sometimes just let it go? Surely the person 'means well' and 'didn't realise what s/he was saying' or 'would be mortified if they knew they'd caused upset' and 'didn't mean anything by it'. Right? Well, yeah, sure but it's not what they meant or didn't mean but the EFFECT it has on the person at the receiving end ie me.
I'm 100% sure the cleaner at the gym the other night when I was getting changed had no intention of upsetting me or making me feel (more) self conscious (than I already do) BUT that's the effect that it had on me. It taps into my own insecurities and worries, that are natural to have given the circumstances. When she asked me 'how long I'd been like that' and 'don't the children mind?' yes I have every right to get a little defensive or cross but then what happens if I do? People then think I have a chip on my shoulder or I'm rude or can't handle it myself. Lose lose situation.
So no the answer is....No, I will NEVER get used to the comments. All I want people to do is think before saying things and if unsure don't say them. It's not about being politically correct or silencing people for fear reactions, it's about respect and sensitivity in my opinion.