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I am 45 years old, Married to Sean for nearly 20 years and have 3 lovely children Hope is 16, Jack is 12 and Joe is 6.

Tuesday, 9 May 2017

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It's been a while since my last blogpost, for numerous reasons really. I'm afraid this one will probably just be a bunch of ramblings so I apologise now!

I had to have a PICC line fitted as I had the problems with the extravasation during Round 4. As I wasn't able to have sedation I got myself in a real state about it. I guess physical and emotional strength and also resilience were waning, not surprisingly.

http://www.macmillan.org.uk/information-and-support/treating/chemotherapy/being-treated-with-chemotherapy/picc-lines.html#46802

Which makes the calls to remain positive and strong to be honest start to put on too much pressure. I read this blog post from a BBC journalist who is also being treated for breast cancer and hits the nail right on the head, read it here http://www.bigclittleme.co.uk/blog/negative-positivity I realise often people don't know what to say and anything that is said, in the words of my fab friend Sarah, is said ''from a place of love''. These days though we use the 'Hi how are you?' Or 'You ok?' not really for actually enquiring but as a greeting. In reality people would feel uncomfortable if you started spouting all the side effects and how crap life feels at times. I have got to the stage though where I don't feel like saying 'I'm fine' or 'OK' when it's the last thing I feel. I'm scared of the surgery. Looking in the mirror after they've cut me up again and removed another body part. I'm worried about the pain and how hard it'll be to get around afterwards, when trying to use the crutches too. I'm wondering if I'll get the all clear or if the cancer will come back. Whether I'll get to see my children grow up and my beautiful girl in a wedding dress. This is the reality of cancer and when you find yourself staring your own mortality in the face....again.

I try to remain 'cup half full' as opposed to empty, for example when in the centre of Leeds at 5pm waiting for Jack to have his counselling, having to sit on a bench as the cafes are closing and I can't face the walk to a posh shopping centre, then it takes an hour to drive home. I TRY to focus on the positive that at least he's getting the support he needs. But it's HARD, I just want to be at home....and not have cancer. For my 6 year year old not to have to cling to me and say 'I don't want you to die'. My 15 year old not to have to stay at school because she can't bear to see me so ill or sob when I need to ask her to help me cut a dressing off. For our lives not to be dominated time and time again by my health and the shit sandwich we seem to be dealt. But this is the reality for now. I hope it's temporary and we can be happy and care free again at times and for the children to have nothing more to worry about than where their fidget spinners are or whether they're invited to the next party. I don't mean that I expect life to 'get better' I truly believe this is LIFE. Everyone has their fair share of challenges, some more than others in reality but we have to face them and get on with it. No one else will do it for us. We won't always get it right but as I've told Jack this week facing his SATS; we can only do our best.

I'm spinning so many plates and some days I want to just pull the duvet over my head and stay there. But I can't; children have to be roused and given breakfast and be deposited at school, usually after some meltdown or argument between them. Students need to be tutored or observed and assessments marked, lit reviews written and emails answered. My job does make me feel better, valued and of course distracted. I can be Vicki the teacher, lecturer, colleague and friend NOT Vicki the cancer patient.

Round 5 hit me hard. The side effects kicked in before I even left the hospital. And to cut a very long story short I could hardly get out of bed from when I came home that evening or for the following 5 days. I managed a few stints on the 'not very comfy couch' so opted for my pit instead! Nicola injected me there every day and I had visitors, some meals, lots of ice lollies and ice cream there too! And yes for once I RESTED.

I am finding great solace in my friends, new and old, who are also being treated for cancer or have been. Also friends whose children are being or have been treated for this dreadful disease; with brutal drugs that burn your skin, harden your veins, give you mouth ulcers and tear skin off the roof of your mouth and hands, make the hair on your head and the rest of your body fall out, make your hands, feet, face and lips numb or tingle, make you feel sick and be sick, require huge amount of drugs that have side effects themselves - sleeplessness, hunger, thirst, constipation or diarrhoea, give you bruises and blisters, muscle aches and bone and joint pains so bad that heat pads and even oromorph doesn't touch them. Hideous reflux, sore watery eyes, sweats, breathlessness and weight gain. Your kidneys lose magnesium and your iron, calcium, white cells, red cells, ALL cells, haemoglobin and vitamin D become low. These folk therefore just 'get it' but it breaks my heart seeing and hearing about it ravaging them and their children...... We can talk, mostly via text, whatsapp and messenger and empathise but also help and support each other.

The kind messages, cards, emails, hugs in the playground, meals, flowers, gifts, trips for afternoon teas, offers of help, food parcels, ironing, childcare, lifts, company and cups of tea help MASSIVELY and are enormously appreciated. We quite literally couldn't get through this without you all. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

So as I face Round 6 tomorrow I don't expect the side effects to be any easier or recovery any quicker, to be honest maybe harder. I will have my mastectomy 4 weeks on Friday then wait another couple of weeks to find out of I need more chemo and radiotherapy. The reconstruction will come later. This is going to continue to a be a very LONG journey so I need to take one step at a time and get tomorrow ticked off first.

CLICK ON THE ARROW BELOW TO WATCH THE VIDEO


9 comments:


  1. So is possible that HIV Disease can be cured because i have been scammed so many times not until i came across this great man dr akhigbe who helped me at first I never believe all this comment and post about him and I was very sick because i have been infected with HIV Disease for the past two year,just last 2months I keep reading the testimony about this man named dr akhigbe they said that the man is so powerful he have cured different type of diseases, I keep monitor the post of some people about this man and I found out that he was real so i decided to give him a trial I contacted him for help and he said he was going to help me get my cure that all i needed to do was to send him money to prepare the medication after which it will be sent to me via dhl service which i did to my greatest surprise the medication was sent to me he gave me instructions on how to use it that after three weeks i should go for check up,after taking the medicine and follow his instruction after three weeks i went back to the hospital for another test, at first i was shocked when the doctor told me that i was negative i ask the doctor to check again and the result was still the same negative that i was now free from HIV Disease at of the shock i decided to come and share my own testimony with you for those who think there is no cure for HIV Disease the cure as finally come' stop doubting and contact dr akhigbe via email drrealakhigbe@gmail.com he will help you out you can also wattssap him via +2348142454860 he is also perfect in curing DIABETICS,HERPES,INFERTILITY;ALS,ANCE PIMPUS,LUPUS VIRUS ,SYPHILLIS, PENIS AND BREAST ENLARGEMENT, LOW SPERM COUNT, MENINGITIES AND HEPATITIES B[HBV] DISEASES. believe me that deadly disease is not a deadly sentence becauase dr akhigbe has the cure.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi everyone!

      I'm Hafsa from India. I have come to return all the glory to God because I never believed I will ever get cured of this shameful HIV disease I got due to partner cheating. I will keep sharing and posting this awesome spiritual healing medicine to everyone across the globe. Medicine clearly return after ordering it from Dr. Yare to cure my HIV disease. I have to write in English so everyone can understand my language and contact Dr. Yare for help with that incurable but management diseases or virus. I know too well so many people are suffering from different ailments like Cancer, ALS, HSV, HPV etc. and don't know whom to trust to contact for a cure because there are many cheats out there. I want the world to know Dr. Yare herbal healing home has given me my life back and I'll forever remain grateful as my HIV test report came back negative after using his spiritual healing oil and medicines. Now I can come out openly to share my testimony with everyone anywhere still looking for help to that incurable disease or virus to trust Dr. Yare Herbal Healing Home. I don't believe in miracles personally, but it's difficult to think of another appropriate adjective to describe just how effective Dr. Yare spiritual healing oil and herbal mixtures treatment has been. Thank you so much, Dr. Yare. Your help has provided the invaluable. You can contact Dr. Yare for a solution to any problem by Website: http://bit.ly/2dBFYeW or WhatsApp +2348148010628, +2348164653711, +2348031939465 for cures to that horrible and awful disease.

      I made this video to promote his good work. Please! share it with anyone anywhere who needs help. sharing is caring. Together we fight to stay healthy.

      https://bit.ly/2t7pu42

      https://bit.ly/2K6SQJD

      Delete
  2. I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer in August of 2010. A precious friend told me about Dr Itua Herbal Center in West Africa,She gave me his contact number and email address,I contacted him quickly so he give me guaranty that his herbal medicine will cure my cancer and i will be heal forever I said Okay.I ask him about the process for the cure,he ask me to pay for the fees which i did and within 7 working days he sent me the herbal medicine then he instructed me on how to drink it for two weeks to cure.I told Gomez my friend about the herbal medicine so he gave me go ahead to drink it.So after drinking it for two weeks i was cured I'm so grateful and i promise i will recommend anyone with cancer to him and that what i'm doing.Dr Itua Herbal Medicine makes me believes there is a hope for people suffering from,Parkinson's disease,Schizophrenia,Cancer,Scoliosis,Fibromyalgia,Fluoroquinolone Toxicity
    Syndrome Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva.Fatal Familial Insomnia Factor V Leiden Mutation ,Epilepsy Dupuytren's disease,Desmoplastic small-round-cell tumor Diabetes ,Coeliac disease,Creutzfeldt–Jakob disease,Cerebral Amyloid Angiopathy, Ataxia,Arthritis,Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis,Alzheimer's disease,Adrenocortical carcinoma.Asthma,Allergic diseases.Hiv_ Aids,Herpes,Inflammatory bowel disease ,Copd,Diabetes.
    Here Is His Contact Info......[Email...drituaherbalcenter@gmail.com/Whatsapp...+2348149277967]

    ReplyDelete

  3. There has been progress in herbal medicine of DR AKHIGBE which have become safer,in curing diseases;i was suffering and dying of herpes for past two years,untill i came across DR AKHIGBE on internet i email him on drrealakhigbe@gmail.com 'glory be to GOD'am cured of herpes by drinking his herbal medicine cure [HMC] he sent to me. Herbal medicine cure have made it possible curing diseases. i was once a victim and am giving out a living testinmonies , because am restore.
    So become easier to take or drink and where early herbal often required drinking it as frequently as 3 to 5 times per day, most first-line cured, herbal medicine now comprise a single daily fixed taking as the instruction followed. DR AKHIGBE also cure others diseases like ; HIV/AIDS,DIABETES,CANCER,HERPES,SYPHILLIS,MENINGITES,GENITAL AND SIMPLEX HERPES, ALS,HEPATITES A AND B.etc any one out there been effected by diseases to email drrealakhigbe@gmail.com or whatApp him on +2348142454860. GET YOUR HERBAL AND GET YOUR FREEDOM.

    ReplyDelete
  4. AM MAJEED FATHI, I was in remission of HEY FEVER for many years by myself treatment using large doses drugs by various prescription going to hospital and different places looking for cure and still there was no solution . untill i saw different testimonies about doctor Akhigbe herbal medicine in the internet how he cures peoples with their different sickness with his herbalism i have to contact him for a trial through his email drrealakhigbe@gmail.com we discuss and he assure me that, he will prepare my medicine and sent it to me through UPS dilivery so will both agreed on one price. the next very week i received the package he send to me, and instruct me on how to use it and also ask me to go back for test after taking it for weeks also i should have little faith when taking it. i encourage myself follow up with the instruction when taking the herbal medicine for two weeks and the third weeks i went to hospital for another test and report is that am totally free and really is making two years now i sick hey fever no more and no any other sickness with these i so much appreciate doctor Akhigbe u are bless and your herbal medicine is real. He also cure diseases like; HIV/AIDS ,HERPES ,ALS ,CANCER ,EPILEPSY ,LASSA FEVER ,ASTHMAN, NOROVIRUS ,JOINT PAIN ,DIABETIES ,RABIES ,HEPATITIES A AND B.in case there is any one out there who needs his help can also email him at drrealakhigbe@gmail.com or whatapp him on +2348142454860

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi everyone!

    I'm Hafsa from India. I have come to return all the glory to God because I never believed I will ever get cured of this shameful HIV disease I got due to partner cheating. I will keep sharing and posting this awesome spiritual healing medicine to everyone across the globe. Medicine clearly return after ordering it from Dr. Yare to cure my HIV disease. I have to write in English so everyone can understand my language and contact Dr. Yare for help with that incurable but management diseases or virus. I know too well so many people are suffering from different ailments like Cancer, ALS, HSV, HPV etc. and don't know whom to trust to contact for a cure because there are many cheats out there. I want the world to know Dr. Yare herbal healing home has given me my life back and I'll forever remain grateful as my HIV test report came back negative after using his spiritual healing oil and medicines. Now I can come out openly to share my testimony with everyone anywhere still looking for help to that incurable disease or virus to trust Dr. Yare Herbal Healing Home. I don't believe in miracles personally, but it's difficult to think of another appropriate adjective to describe just how effective Dr. Yare spiritual healing oil and herbal mixtures treatment has been. Thank you so much, Dr. Yare. Your help has provided the invaluable. You can contact Dr. Yare for a solution to any problem by Website: http://bit.ly/2dBFYeW or WhatsApp +2348148010628, +2348164653711, +2348031939465 for cures to that horrible and awful disease.

    I made this video to promote his good work. Please! share it with anyone anywhere who needs help. sharing is caring. Together we fight to stay healthy.

    https://bit.ly/2t7pu42

    https://bit.ly/2K6SQJD

    ReplyDelete
  6. GREETINGS everyone out there.. my name is (Robert Lora) I am from CANADA i will never forget the help Dr Ogudugu render to me in my marital life. I have been married for 8 years now and my husband and i love each other very dearly. After 6 years of our marriage my husband suddenly change he was having an affair with a lady outside our marriage, my husband just came home one day he pick up his things and left me and the kids to his mistress outside at this time i was confuse not knowing what to do again because i have lost my husband and my marriage too. i was searching for help in the internet, i saw many people sharing testimony on how Dr Ogudugu help them out with their marital problems so i contacted the email of Dr Ogudugu i told him my problem and i was told to be calm that i have come to the right place were i can get back my husband within the next 48hours, to my greatest surprise my husband came to my office begging me on his knees that i should find a place in my heart to forgive him, that he will never cheat on me again, i quickly ask him up that i have forgiven him. Friends your case is not too hard why don't you give Dr Ogudugu a chance, because i know they will help you to fix your relationship with your Ex Partner. Dr Ogudugu his the best spell caster around to solve any problem for you.
    {1} HIV/AIDS
    {2CANCER
    {3}HERPES
    {4}DIABETES
    (5}HERPERTITIS B

    Email: GREATOGUDUGU@GMAIL.COM
    Call/WhatsApp:+27663492930

    ReplyDelete
  7. I really appreciate DR AKHIGBE,my name is LAURIE HUGHES . I will never stop testifying DR AKHIGBE , Happiness is all i see now I never thought that I will be cured from HIV virus again. DR AKHIGBE did it for me I have been suffering from a deadly disease (HIV) for the past 2 years now, I had spent a lot of money going from one place to another, from churches to churches, hospitals have been my home every day residence. Constant checks up have been my hobby not until this faithful day, I saw a testimony on how DR AKHIGBE helped someone in curing his HIV disease in internet quickly I copied his email which is drrealakhigbe@gmail.com just to give him a test I spoke to him, he asked me to do some certain things which I did, he told me that he is going to provide the herbal cure to me, which he did, then he asked me to go for medical checkup after some days, after using the herbal cure and i did, behold I was free from the deadly disease,till now no HIV in me again he only asked me to post the testimony through the whole world, faithfully am doing it now,all the testimony of DR AKHIGBE is true please BROTHER and SISTER, MOTHER and FATHER he is great, I owe him in return. if you are having a similar problem just email him on drrealakhigbe@gmail.com or you can whatsApp his mobile number on +2348142454860 He can also cure these diseases like HIVand AIDS,DIABETICES,CANCER, HEPATITIS B ABC,FLU,CANCER,GONORRHEA,LASSA FEVER,GONORRHEA,MENOPAUSE DISEASE, DISEASE SKIN , LOW COUNT SPERM .ETC .piease email drrealakhigbe@gmail.com...or whatAPPhim ..+2348142454860 he is a real good and honest man.

    ReplyDelete
  8. WHAT A GREAT MIRACLE THAT I HAVE EVER SEE IN MY LIFE. My names are Clara David I’m a citizen of USA, My younger sister was sicking of
    breast cancer and her name is Sandra David I and my family have taking her
    to all kind of hospital in USA still yet no good result. I decided to go to
    the internet and search for cancer cure so that was how I find a lady
    called peter Lizzy she was testifies to the world about the goodness of a
    herbal man who has the root and half to cure all kind of disease and the
    herbal man email was there. So I decided to contact the herbal man for my
    younger sister help to cure her breast cancer. I contacted him and told him
    my problem he told me that I should not worry that my sister cancer will be
    cure, he told me that there is a medicine that he is going to give me that
    I will cook it and give it to my sister to drink for one week, so I ask how
    can I receive the cure that I am in USA, he told me

    That I will pay for the delivery service. The courier service can
    transport it to me so he told me the amount I will pay, so my dad paid for
    the delivery fee. two days later I receive the cure from the courier
    service so I used it as the herbal man instructed me to, before the week
    complete my sister cancer was healed and it was like a dream to me not
    knowing that it was physical I and my family were very happy about the
    miracle of Doctor so my dad wanted to pay him 5 million us dollars the
    herbal man did not accept the offer from my dad, but I don't know why he
    didn't accept the offer, he only say that I should tell the world about him
    and his miracle he perform so am now here to tell the world about him if
    you or your relative is having any kind of disease that you can't get from
    the hospital please contact dr.sakuraspellalter@gmail.com or whats app him
    +2348110114739 you can follow him up on Instagram herbalist sakura for the cure, he will help you out with the
    problem. And if you need more information about the doctor you can mail me
    davidclara223@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete