I had to have a PICC line fitted as I had the problems with the extravasation during Round 4. As I wasn't able to have sedation I got myself in a real state about it. I guess physical and emotional strength and also resilience were waning, not surprisingly.
Which makes the calls to remain positive and strong to be honest start to put on too much pressure. I read this blog post from a BBC journalist who is also being treated for breast cancer and hits the nail right on the head, read it here http://www.bigclittleme.co.uk/blog/negative-positivity I realise often people don't know what to say and anything that is said, in the words of my fab friend Sarah, is said ''from a place of love''. These days though we use the 'Hi how are you?' Or 'You ok?' not really for actually enquiring but as a greeting. In reality people would feel uncomfortable if you started spouting all the side effects and how crap life feels at times. I have got to the stage though where I don't feel like saying 'I'm fine' or 'OK' when it's the last thing I feel. I'm scared of the surgery. Looking in the mirror after they've cut me up again and removed another body part. I'm worried about the pain and how hard it'll be to get around afterwards, when trying to use the crutches too. I'm wondering if I'll get the all clear or if the cancer will come back. Whether I'll get to see my children grow up and my beautiful girl in a wedding dress. This is the reality of cancer and when you find yourself staring your own mortality in the face....again.
I try to remain 'cup half full' as opposed to empty, for example when in the centre of Leeds at 5pm waiting for Jack to have his counselling, having to sit on a bench as the cafes are closing and I can't face the walk to a posh shopping centre, then it takes an hour to drive home. I TRY to focus on the positive that at least he's getting the support he needs. But it's HARD, I just want to be at home....and not have cancer. For my 6 year year old not to have to cling to me and say 'I don't want you to die'. My 15 year old not to have to stay at school because she can't bear to see me so ill or sob when I need to ask her to help me cut a dressing off. For our lives not to be dominated time and time again by my health and the shit sandwich we seem to be dealt. But this is the reality for now. I hope it's temporary and we can be happy and care free again at times and for the children to have nothing more to worry about than where their fidget spinners are or whether they're invited to the next party. I don't mean that I expect life to 'get better' I truly believe this is LIFE. Everyone has their fair share of challenges, some more than others in reality but we have to face them and get on with it. No one else will do it for us. We won't always get it right but as I've told Jack this week facing his SATS; we can only do our best.
I'm spinning so many plates and some days I want to just pull the duvet over my head and stay there. But I can't; children have to be roused and given breakfast and be deposited at school, usually after some meltdown or argument between them. Students need to be tutored or observed and assessments marked, lit reviews written and emails answered. My job does make me feel better, valued and of course distracted. I can be Vicki the teacher, lecturer, colleague and friend NOT Vicki the cancer patient.
Round 5 hit me hard. The side effects kicked in before I even left the hospital. And to cut a very long story short I could hardly get out of bed from when I came home that evening or for the following 5 days. I managed a few stints on the 'not very comfy couch' so opted for my pit instead! Nicola injected me there every day and I had visitors, some meals, lots of ice lollies and ice cream there too! And yes for once I RESTED.
I am finding great solace in my friends, new and old, who are also being treated for cancer or have been. Also friends whose children are being or have been treated for this dreadful disease; with brutal drugs that burn your skin, harden your veins, give you mouth ulcers and tear skin off the roof of your mouth and hands, make the hair on your head and the rest of your body fall out, make your hands, feet, face and lips numb or tingle, make you feel sick and be sick, require huge amount of drugs that have side effects themselves - sleeplessness, hunger, thirst, constipation or diarrhoea, give you bruises and blisters, muscle aches and bone and joint pains so bad that heat pads and even oromorph doesn't touch them. Hideous reflux, sore watery eyes, sweats, breathlessness and weight gain. Your kidneys lose magnesium and your iron, calcium, white cells, red cells, ALL cells, haemoglobin and vitamin D become low. These folk therefore just 'get it' but it breaks my heart seeing and hearing about it ravaging them and their children...... We can talk, mostly via text, whatsapp and messenger and empathise but also help and support each other.
The kind messages, cards, emails, hugs in the playground, meals, flowers, gifts, trips for afternoon teas, offers of help, food parcels, ironing, childcare, lifts, company and cups of tea help MASSIVELY and are enormously appreciated. We quite literally couldn't get through this without you all. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
So as I face Round 6 tomorrow I don't expect the side effects to be any easier or recovery any quicker, to be honest maybe harder. I will have my mastectomy 4 weeks on Friday then wait another couple of weeks to find out of I need more chemo and radiotherapy. The reconstruction will come later. This is going to continue to a be a very LONG journey so I need to take one step at a time and get tomorrow ticked off first.